Violent parenting

Children who survived violent parenting

In its World Report on Violence and Health The World Health Organization (WHO) defines violence as the “intentional use of physical force or power, threatened or actual, against oneself, another person, or against a group or community, that either results in, or has a high likelihood or resulting in injury, death, psycho-logical harm, development or deprivation.” According to Korbin (1983), the social, cultural, legal and religious sectors have for long tolerated violence against children especially punishments. This is because of the community’s conditioning and beliefs that children are born rude and evil, characteristics they inherit from their parents. They therefore need to be severely punished whenever they do something wrong in order to make them understand the proper way in which they should behave (Gil, 1970).

The earliest forms of extreme child violence as highlighted by Steele included offering them as sacrifice, drowning them or burning them. The Roman law granted a father the privilege to get rid off his children by killing, selling, sacrificing or abandoning them. The British law before the 19^th century stated that men owned the women and children in their lives (1976)  

Violence against children takes many forms; physical or psychological violence, child labor or sexual violence. It is a natural and common phenomenon for a parent to want to instill discipline in the children, as well as correct or control how the child behaves and conducts himself within or outside the home. Some parents also have some twisted beliefs about how they need to bring up the children. When any of the above forms of parenting inflicts some form of pain or discomfort in the child, it is considered as being a violent act against the child. Physical and psychological violence usually occurs in the form of punishment using physical force or actions that are degrading to the child.

Another story is told a male who was assaulted as a minor by a male member of the extended family. He approached him one night in the children’s room downstairs, forced another kid on top of him then the male relative got on top too. His parents did nothing about it as it would bring shame to the family. He grew up feeling trapped in his world as he had no one to share his story with. The male relative continued to molest others for long and when the boy's mother faced him no one supported her, not even her husband.

Father Gerald Pantin (2002) best explains the scenario of physical and psychological violence against children. He explains that as children grow up, they get curious about things around them so they set out exploring. The senses they use more are smell, touch, feel and taste. This may prompt instances where they may pull down the tablecloth and everything on it in an attempt to get to something that caught their eye on the table. They may eat dirt, soil, grass, or small crawling animals and insects to find out how they taste. Children can even take the curiosity a step further by playing with their genitals, all out of sheer curiosity and perhaps a desire to learn.

Parents may react to the stated scenarios very differently. They may correct the by slapping them or shouting at them threateningly to never do such things again. According to EA…When a child is physically punished, the parent or guardian may beat the child by hand or using crude weapons, caning, pinching or pulling the child’s hair throwing the child, kicking and finally whipping.

Psychological punishment involves a parent or guardian threatening the child with dire consequences if he or she does something wrong. It may also be neglecting the child when he needs you, ridiculing and humiliating him in front of his peers or other people and finally demeaning the child’s worth and confidence through maltreatment. In an attempt to instill what is “good” in the children, parents end up confusing them even further. This instills fear, timidity and low self esteem in the children. They grow up suspicious of everyone around them (Pantin, 2002).

A story is told on the minki website of a girl who was molested by her step father. He used to film her when he was raping her at around the age of 13. It happened to other members of the family too but no one mentioned it to another. She was neglected by her mom who was not there for her emotionally and physically. When she decided to run away from home, she was arrested and locked up. One night, her mother confronted her about why she always ran away from home. She told her a particular incident when her step father wanted her to give him a blow job in exchange for cigarettes. She refused to believe her story about being molested by her step father. When she told her to check the camcorder, she called her a lying bitch and defended her husband saying he would never lay a hand on her.

She was moved to foster care for 7 months then returned to her parent’s home. After a week, her step father reverted to his old habit of molesting her. He used to creep into the bathroom when she was taking a bath and sit there watching. At 15, she moved out to live with her boyfriend but her step father still found ways to go to her house and rape her. She ended up having manic depression and attacks; self mutilated and tried to commit suicide by jumping off buildings and taking drug overdoses. Luckily, her boyfriend and husband-to-be encouraged her to seek justice and therapy. She is now happily married with one child.

I witnessed a bad scene in April 2007. The other was reported to me by two students independently of each other and was said to have occurred in the fall of 2007. These events were the bullying of students by administrators. I was prepared to give you the details, but you decided to attack me instead. It was I who asked the policeman to speak to you. You met him at your office the very next day. He related that you were sincerely concerned about the matter and would take some measures. So why did you respond with icy hauteur and avoidance when I asked to see you? Why were you not interested in meeting with the person who said she was a witness to the worst offense?

You and I spoke only on two occasions, and both times you called me. Check your long-distance bill because I'm sure the calls did not exceed 15 minutes in total. You and I discussed nothing of value during the second, the brief conference call stunt. With the children's welfare at stake this is not a “significant” amount of time. How wrong I was to contact you and expect you'd care!

As for the implied dozens, scores or hundreds of calls you say I made to your office, that's simply not true and would have been a colossal waste of my time. It's moot because it cannot be proved or disproved. I did leave a few messages in a futile effort to nudge your conscience into acting for the kids. Besides, had it been the case the logical remedy would have been a restraining order. Why not pursue that? Because you don't have a leg to stand on?

Nor did I demand to visit your office in order to be taped, but during the second call I mentioned that taping was a good idea. I have nothing to hide. Prior to that I asked for a face-to-face meeting so that I could give details about what I witnessed, give you the names of the victim(s) and the names of other witnesses. At no time did you ask me for or let me give you this information…an indefensible lack of curiosity. Isn't the safety of the kids your raison d'être?
 

The extent of your “investigatory actions” was to ask the administrators if they behaved as was reported, a feeble beginning and end of any investigation. As I was not a witness to what the students reported to me, I cannot comment on one answer. You yourself should have spoken directly to the witnesses, of which there were many more than two. As for what I saw with my own eyes, no denial will erase that ordeal, but I believe the administrator used bad judgment in anger and did not do it for a thrill or other evil purpose. But still, the damage to the boy was the same…just ask his mother. The child's well-being had to trump my affection for the administrator.

I did speak for a minute or two to the assistant superintendent. With all the “investigatory actions” that the district was allegedly undertaking, it is surprising that she knew next to nothing about it. Was there a special task force assigned to this? Funny. They didn't contact me, the person who could give them the names of the people to ask. Citizens may not expect FBI-like competence, but they could reasonably count on a good-will effort. “You can fool all of the people some of the time…”

Time and again I told myself that you were simply confused because you didn't know the facts. That you would be less than honest seemed unfathomable but became incontrovertible. Do you think that you can say that you were unaware should these events later enter the public forum? If so, your naïveté is as misplaced as mine once was. By not allowing me to meet with you I am just a faceless voice on the phone, dehumanized, so easy for you to discredit. I am described as a phone-happy lunatic, and the punishment for that is to ban me from district property, but I am a district parent and will disregard it unless I'm given due process and a judge or jury decides against me. My own conduct would compare favorably to yours any day of the week. Bring it on!!! Not only could you not prove any wrongdoing on my part, but you would put yourself at risk of public ridicule. The mother, whom you felt I wasn't worthy to speak to, will come to my defense, I can assure you, because the boy has confirmed that the awful incident did occur. And if it comes to that, you cannot hope to escape without consequences to your job and reputation.

As a teacher, I am obliged to make truthful reports about possible child abuse to certain agencies. Am I not allowed to also ask them for guidance? That is far different from seeking to press charges which, I repeat, I have never sought to do. You dare to claim control over my personal liberties? Where I go? To whom I speak? Are you afraid my words will fall on attentive ears? I reserve the right to visit my son's school when I want and to speak to the board when I want.

I've learned something. Very few people, including lawyers and lawmakers, had any idea that ordering a child to define and simulate a sex act does not meet Illinois' definition of child abuse. Does that make it any more acceptable? As a lawyer friend so aptly put it, if there's no abuse there's no reason for not making it public knowledge. Apparently you are intent on keeping the status quo, but now you have been informed in no uncertain terms that some horrible things are happening on your watch. And for the record, more than one agency said the parents should take action.

I told the board not to believe what people say, even what I say, without a full and objective investigation. The board seems to be another weak link in the failed system that exists to advocate for children. Doesn't the City district believe in accountability and transparency? I welcome scrutiny and would take a polygraph test to help prove it and submit to questioning, etc. Your own actions, Madam, have been at turns incomprehensible and reprehensible.

As I told you at the start, the students need to learn their rights so they know they can refuse to do humiliating things, even if a school administrator or another orders them to. Plus, reforms need to be made and some students deserve an apology. Clean your own house.

Most people who went through a strict childhood laced with lots of punishment a child should be punished from the time he or she is born. Crying for food when hungry or when they want a cuddle is intolerable hence they grow up with a similar notion. In Pantin’s view, ignoring a crying baby, prohibiting them from touching things, and punishing the children when they explore their surroundings; all amounts to violence against the children. The parents are trying to pin down their natural way of acquiring skills and knowledge which the children cannot understand, hence the confusion (2002).

The following stories are told on the busting the bubble website. This lady suffered domestic violence as a young girl from her father who was often drunk. He used to come home and beat up her mom while the young girl hid in her room under the bed. Over the years she would hide her siblings in her room then run back to help her mother from the beatings of her violent husband. As a result, she would get caught in the middle and end up being beaten alongside her mom. This affected her concentration and performance at school as all she thought of was the task which awaited her; saving her mom and siblings from her drunken dad.

One day, she was picked from school by her mom and siblings and they went to a strange house where it later dawned on her that they were hiding from her dad. She loved her parents yet hated her father for the regular beatings. She resorted to drinking and drugs when it became apparent that she could not run away from home. She was withdrawn with no friends coming to her house. She dropped out of school, got a job and moved to her own house with her boyfriend. Her dad reduced the frequency of beating up her mom and this lady later realized that what her father had been doing all along was domestic violence.

She stood her ground one day when her dad hit her mom and disconnected the phone so that no one would call the police. She went and rescued her mother and moved her to her place. She later sought professional help with the support of a friend. She realized that it wasn’t her fault that her parents fought so she got closure. She is now 25years old, working for a company that rescues women from domestic violence. She is married with a so and another baby on the way.  

Another form of violence committed against children is child labor (def). Engaging a child in labor denies him the opportunity to pursue an education and have a better, brighter future. Child labor is hazardous and causes physical, emotional, psychological and social developmental problems. Overworking the young body will lead to serious health problems in future.

The third form of violence is sexual violence. This may be incest, rape or sexual exploitation through child trafficking, prostitution and pornography. When children are sexually threatened, assaulted or exploited, it is an infringement on the international human rights law with regard to personal security. This may also cause the child physical and psychological damage while exposing them to the danger of contracting HIV/AIDS.

A story is told on the minki website of a girl who was molested by her step father. He used to film her when he was raping her at around the age of 13. It happened to other members of the family too but no one mentioned it to another. She was neglected by her mom who was not there for her emotionally and physically. When she decided to run away from home, she was arrested and locked up. One night, her mother confronted her about why she always ran away from home. She told her a particular incident when her step father wanted her to give him a blow job in exchange for cigarettes. She refused to believe her story about being molested by her step father. When she told her to check the camcorder, she called her a lying bitch and defended her husband saying he would never lay a hand on her.

She was moved to foster care for 7 months then returned to her parent’s home. After a week, her step father reverted to his old habit of molesting her. He used to creep into the bathroom when she was taking a bath and sit there watching. At 15, she moved out to live with her boyfriend but her step father still found ways to go to her house and rape her. She ended up having manic depression and attacks; self mutilated and tried to commit suicide by jumping off buildings and taking drug overdoses. Luckily, her boyfriend and husband-to-be encouraged her to seek justice and therapy. She is now happily married with one child.

Another story is told a male who was assaulted as a minor by a male member of the extended family. He approached him one night in the children’s room downstairs, forced another kid on top of him then the male relative got on top too. His parents did nothing about it as it would bring shame to the family. He grew up feeling trapped in his world as he had no one to share his story with. The male relative continued to molest others for long and when the boy's mother faced him no one supported her, not even her husband.

In May 2005, the Regional consultation for the UN Study against Violence against Children held a conference in Islamabad, Pakistan. Some children and young people presented a statement about the various forms of violence committed against children in Pakistan; gender-based, sexual and physical or psychological violence. They stated that sexual abuse on children may take place where adults do it to fulfill their pleasures. Children cannot report this to their parents for fear that they may be killed or bring shame. Parents also consider punishment as a normal way of bringing up the child. They themselves were punished as children hence the cycle of abuse continues. These parents are not aware of alternative parenting methods such as counseling or time out when they do something wrong. They follow the saying “spare the rod, spoil the child” literally.

This lady suffered domestic violence as a young girl from her father who was often drunk. He used to come home and beat up her mom while the young girl hid in her room under the bed. Over the years she would hide her siblings in her room then run back to help her mother from the beatings of her violent husband. As a result, she would get caught in the middle and end up being beaten alongside her mom. This affected her concentration and performance at school as all she thought of was the task which awaited her; saving her mom and siblings from her drunken dad.

One day, she was picked from school by her mom and siblings and they went to a strange house where it later dawned on her that they were hiding from her dad. She loved her parents yet hated her father for the regular beatings. She resorted to drinking and drugs when it became apparent that she could not run away from home. She was withdrawn with no friends coming to her house. She dropped out of school, got a job and moved to her own house with her boyfriend. Her dad reduced the frequency of beating up her mom and this lady later realized that what her father had been doing all along was domestic violence.

She stood her ground one day when her dad hit her mom and disconnected the phone so that no one would call the police. She went and rescued her mother and moved her to her place. She later sought professional help with the support of a friend. She realized that it wasn’t her fault that her parents fought so she got closure. She is now 25years old, working for a company that rescues women from domestic violence. She is married with a so and another baby on the way. 

References

Gil, D G (1970). Violence against Children. Harvard University Press: Cambridge, M.A.

Korbin, J E. (ed) (1983) Child Abuse and Neglect Cross Cultural Perspectives. University of California Press: Berkeley and Los Angeles.

Pantin, G (2002). Violent Parenting, Violent Children. International child and youth care network: Trinidad and Tobago.

Steele B F (1976). Violence in the Family. In The Abused Child. eds R.E. Helfer & C.H. Kemp, Ballinger Publishing Co.: Cambridge, M.A.

(N.A, 2007)). True stories fro adults and famous people who experienced violence. Retrieved on 6^th November 7, 2010 from < http://www.burstingthebubble.com/storiesAdults.htm>

Emmie (2007). I survived my years of abuse…my story. Retrieved on 6^th November 7, 2010 from < http://www.minti.com/parenting-advice/8020/I-Survived-My-Years-Of-Abuse-My-Story-/>

Dwyer K& Strang H (1989). Violence against children. Canberra: Australian Institute of  Criminology.

Violence against children

Kim Dwyer and Heather Strang
ISBN 0 642 14606 3 ISSN 1032-7894
Canberra: Australian Institute of Criminology, July 1989