The sample student essay, communicates it ideas ineffectively because it is not yet in paragraphs as it is supposed to be. This is not very effective and for the reader, this will be boring and not captivating. Due to lack of paragraphs, the essay lacks an organizational structure, although, logically, the events in the essay do make sense. A few mechanical errors are found in the essay.
The student sample essay succeeds in arguing its point for the appropriate audience as the essay has one thesis statement and that is, assimilation into American culture. The audience is women or we can say young girls. The main argument found in the introduction is carried throughout the writing. At the end we find that the argument has not strayed and it has been properly backed up by various examples.
To improve the writing, as the author, I will arrange the essay into paragraphs. The parts of the paragraph will include introduction, main body and conclusion. The paragraphs should be well developed with the introduction paragraph having sentences with the opening statement would gradually then, narrowing the discussion before presenting a thesis statement at or near the end of the introduction.
The body paragraphs will be developed and organized according to examples that follow a chronological pattern. In addition to being well-organized, each of the body paragraphs will consist of facts, details, and examples that adequately develop the subject introduced in the topic sentence. Unity or cohesion or flow of sentences from one paragraph to another will be maintained.
WEEK 1:
Assimilation into American culture In “The struggle to be an All American Girl,” Elizabeth Wong talks about her makeover from a Chinese girl to an American girl. Together with her brother, they were taken to a Chinese school by their mother in order to learn Chinese language as their cultural heritage. She studied the language until she was ten years of age but was not in way happy to do it because she thought that “Chinese was pedestrian, chaotic and frenzied language.” (21). She later quit Chinese school at twelve but her mother and grandmother were disappointed because for them they lived as Chinese since they used Chinese language. In contrast, many people of her culture would fuss and encourage her saying she would do better in life. For her and her brother, speaking English fluently was the most important thing for them and they would neither like to emulate the mother’s bad English nor the grandmother’s noisy voice. She finally succeeds in living the American way and abandons her Chinese culture. However, her pursuit to be an American girl frustrates her when she laments and says, “At last I was one of you; I was not one of them. Sadly, I still am” (22). This shows that she has not wholly transformed to American or considers herself multicultural but is still worried about her Chinese originality. In chapter two of the book The middle of Everywhere by Mary Pipher is a story of the Kurdish sister who were in their first month in America. They were not fluent in English since it was highly accented though Mary later came to understand that English was their sixth language. Their culture is presented well when Mary says, “They communicated with each other via small quick gestures and eye movements (24-25). Despite their happiness, there is cold and they hardly have enough money to spend. However, they see a nation where there are rights. To them America was the best place since they loved American clothes and makeup’s which was a contrast to the Iranian camp they were where they remembered a lady in makeup stopped by a guard and scrapped on the face
CORRECTED ESSAY
WEEK 1
Assimilation into American culture
In “The struggle to be an All American Girl,” Elizabeth Wong talks about her makeover from a Chinese girl to an American girl. Together with her brother, they were taken to a Chinese school by their mother in order to learn Chinese language as their cultural heritage. She studied the language until she was ten years of age, but was not in way happy to do it because she thought that “Chinese was pedestrian, chaotic and frenzied language.”
She later quit Chinese school at twelve. Her mother and grandmother were disappointed because for them, they lived as Chinese, since they used Chinese language. In contrast, many people of her culture would fuss and encourage her, saying she would do better in life. For her and her brother, speaking English fluently was the most important thing for them and they would neither like to emulate their mother’s bad English nor the grandmother’s noisy voice.
She finally succeeds in living the American way and abandons her Chinese culture. However, her pursuit to be an American girl frustrates her when she laments and says, “At last I was one of you; I was not one of them. Sadly, I still am”. This shows that she has not wholly transformed to American or considers herself multicultural but is still worried about her Chinese originality.
In chapter two of the book The Middle of Everywhere by Mary Pipher, is a story of the Kurdish sister who were in their first month in America. They were not fluent in English since it was highly accented, though Mary later came to understand that English was their sixth language.
Their culture is presented well when Mary says, “They communicated with each other via small quick gestures and eye movements” (24-25). Despite their happiness, there is cold and they hardly have enough money to spend. However, they see a nation where there are rights. To them America was the best place, since they loved American clothes and makeup’s, which was a contrast to the Iranian camp they were. They remembered a lady in makeup who was stopped by a guard and scrapped on the face
Works Cited
Joy, A. (2005). We are America: A Thematic reader and guide to writing. (6th edition) Boston: Thomson Wadsworth. McWhorther, Kathleen T (2007). Pathways for writing scenario: From sentence to paragraph. New York: Pearson Education.
Pipher, M. (2002). The Middle of Everywhere: Helping Refugees Enter the American Community. Florida: Harcourt.
Wong, E. (1980, September 7). The Struggle to Be an All-American Girl" Los Angeles Times.
Ebtisam, Abusamak. (2009) “Am I a Conformist?”.
“Drafting and Revising” (pp. 315–331 only)
“Essay Basics and Development” (pp. 473–488)
“Revising Underdeveloped Paragraphs (pp. 421–436)
